Editor’s note: it has become increasingly obvious that Climate Change is a real problem. However, no amount of science or data or actual proof can sway Evangelical thinking as they deliberately seek to aggravate the world’s environmental problems. So, in keeping with their penchant for fake news, we’ve taken their worst fear and woven it into a fake news narrative that is bound to change their thinking on earth’s greatest challenge to date.
Climate Change is a lie from the Pit of Hell. It started out as a hoax from China, but was then adopted by Liberals, who embrace other Satanic lies like evolution and vegetarianism. Despite that, our observant reporters over at Breitbart made a startling and unsettling discovery. There was one group of Americans NOT decrying the evils of global warming… The Gays. Sensing that something nefarious might be afoot, our reporters joined forces with Alex Jones and began a long investigation in which we concluded: If Climate Change IS real, this is great news for The Gays and for gay recruitment. No longer do they have to have to make big budget Hollywood movies like Wonder Woman, Frozen, or Harry Potter. Instead, the climate will do their recruiting for them.
That’s right, Satan plans on using Earth’s climate to do The Gays’ bidding. And it starts with a simple chemical compound known as pheromones. A pheromone, according to Wikipedia, is:
A secreted or excreted chemical factor that triggers a social response in members of the same species. Pheromones are chemicals capable of acting outside the body of the secreting individual to impact the behavior of the receiving individuals. There are alarm pheromones, food trail pheromones, sex pheromones, and many others that affect behavior or physiology.
This is where the problem comes into focus. Pheromones are chemicals capable of acting outside of the body and affecting the behavior of others in their species—including SEXchemicals. And it’s here where Satan’s diabolical scheme to help The Gays in their recruitment will play out.
The most obvious symptom that Liberals scream about is the warming part of global warming. Yet The Gays say nothing about it. They like it hot. Here’s why.
As earths temperatures rise, humans become warmer outside of their airconditioned homes and offices. Men and women start wearing fewer clothes. Adult males will be taking their shirts off and walking around in Speedos, exposing most of their skin to the atmosphere. Your children will be wearing less as well, creating the perfect interaction of Satan and sexuality.
The warmer temperatures make the men sweat. Now when straight men sweat, this is no problem. It simply makes young boys more masculine and more aggressive against the wimpy kids and girls who look like boys. When gay men sweat, however, it has a very different reaction. Boys that were on track to be proud pussy-grabbers suddenly become inclusive and sensitive to women. And then the cycle builds upon itself. As the level of gay pheromones increases, innocent shirtless boys, are fully exposed to these pheromones. As they become gay, they start to radiate gay pheromones, thus adding more gay into the atmosphere—which could be catastrophic.
But what about the lesbians, you ask. Women wear sunscreen thus protecting themselves from the fiendish chemicals. A godly woman asks her husband to apply her sunscreen, while her godly daughters request help from their brothers. Godly women must wear sunscreen constantly to protect themselves from masculine pheromones. Otherwise they cut their hair short and join the softball team.
The rising temperatures will also affect our crops, making it more difficult to grow food, which means we’ll be turning to other countries for help. This might include Muslim countries. That’s bad enough, but Satan’s plan goes deeper. He intends that we get our food from the godless liberal countries of Europe where gay marriage is allowed and celebrated. In other words, gay people will be handling our food. They will be packing our tomatoes, lettuce, corn and other vegetables, smearing them with gay pheromones and shipping them to us in the United States.
These gay-soaked fruits and vegetables will arrive on our shores, at one of the liberal coastal ports, where more gay people will be packing and carrying boxes and transporting them inland to a grocery store near you. Before you even know what’s happened, that food is on your child’s plate.
While the rising seas will bury the godless liberal cities of the coasts under water, Satan has figured out a way to make that work for him as well. Gay people will flee the sinking cities and come inland. They will demand we make pizzas for them, bake them cakes, and allow them to use our wedding chapels. They’ll indoctrinate our children with their dance music, brunches, and mimosas. Women will demand work as auto mechanics where they can smear their pheromones all over the steering wheel, the dashboard—your baby’s car seat—attacking your children in ways you can’t even see.
Nowhere will this problem be more in sync with Satan’s plan than in the new weather patterns. As The Gays move inland, the weather becomes a critical component of their recruitment plan. The inland states will experience increased thunderstorms. Great bursts of lightening will heat the air and excite the gay pheromones, causing them to scatter, thrusting them into your homes and into your child’s bedroom. The pheromones will seep through their pores and into their bloodstreams, making them open and accepting of all peoples.
And finally, the rain will fall. Gay infused rain. It will fall into the rivers and lakes, making its way into your showers and bathtubs where your children will bathe in it. It will flow into your children’s drinking water where they will ingest it directly. Satan’s gay will now be everywhere: your house, your school (which, for most, will be the same) and your church.
While we are committed to our narrative that Climate Change is a lie straight from the Pit of Hell, we have been charged by God and his holy Word to share with you the deeper plan that Satan has for your children. If we wish to stop Satan from taking our children away from us, we MUST stop Climate Change—even though it’s a lie—or our children will soon be wearing rainbow flags and listening to Ariana Grande.
We must not allow this to happen. Our children are at stake.