Well, here we are again, another day another impending rapture (scheduled for April 23—so hold the date in your calendar). This particular prediction isn’t as widespread as the prediction by Harold Camping, but what makes it a “story,” is the way in which it shows how desperate Fundamentalists are when it comes to the this climatic moment: that auspicious instant when Jesus returns and they are whisked away into Heaven, safe from the coming tribulation of rational gun laws, gay marriage, immigration, and atheists. Those of us “left behind,” are promised seven years of horror that have never been seen on Earth: Seas turning to blood, stars falling from the sky, teenagers voting, and the American Government taking care of it’s poor and disenfranchised.
What they don’t realize, is that we are just as anxious for the Rapture as they are.
On that day (April 23?) when Jesus raptures his people into Heaven, he will take with him the people who are using his name to do the most damage to our society and our planet... a.k.a. Fundamentalists and Evangelicals. This will include teabaggers, televangelists, ammosexuals, Congress members, CEOs, and other corporate buccaneers who have so devastated our economy and our environment—aided and abetted by men like Paul Ryan, Franklin Graham and Pat Robertson.
Think about that for a minute: anti-gay groups who mask their hatred of homosexuality behind the bible and family values; “pro-life groups” who have devastated women’s health care; NRA conspiracy theorists who put the “Second Amendment” over children’s lives; xenophobes, racists, and anti-immigration provocateurs; pedophiles and abusers who support other pedophiles and abusers in power; pussy grabbers; and all manner of hypocrites who “know” they’re going to heaven—these people will be raptured—removed. “In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye...” That sounds more hopeful than scary.
That doesn’t mean we get rid of our problems. We will still have the basic elements of evil that make life on Earth difficult. There will still be greed, lust, wrath, pride, envy, gluttony, and sloth, just to name a few. But now we’ll be able to focus on the “real evils” rather than those made up by so-called moralists who think that the only sins are being gay, being Liberal, and being a person of color.
No longer will we have to defend science. No longer will we have to fight revisionists who rewrite history to fit their dogma. Imagine a world where it’s okay to believe that the Earth is round, that it orbits the sun, that the moon only reflects the sun’s light, and that the Earth is seven billion years old, and the human species is only fifty-thousand years old and we are who we are because that’s the way we evolved. Imagine teaching our children that our nation’s forefathers fought to protect us from religion, that we’re herd animals so it’s our place to take care of one another, and that masturbation won’t send them to hell.
A few years ago, shortly after the devastation of the Bush Presidency, I wrote a book called, “Left Out: What to do if You’re Left Behind or Left Below.” which contemplated what I’m talking about now: life after the rapture. It followed two brothers, one who went to heaven, and the one who stayed on earth, chronicling their lives and how they ‘evolved’ after that event.
The book was highly acclaimed (by my mom and her book club—well, all but Mrs. Judith Priest who said it was “a good attempt”). I also put the book up for a Wurlitzer Prize, but they never returned my email.
By the Obama’s second term, however, I thought the book had become irrelevant. We were evolving. Then along came the Cheetos Messiah, and here we are, right back where we started. Or worse...
Here’s what the back cover says:
Tim LaHaye called it “Left Behind.” Homer Simpson called it “Left Below.” We’re calling it “Left Out: What to do if You’re Left Behind or Left Below.” The Rapture: that auspicious moment when Fundamentalists everywhere are raptured into Heaven.
Left Out is the story of twin brothers, David and Benjamin Bragg. Benjamin believes that all paths to God are sacred, and David believes that the only way to get to Heaven is to accept Jesus Christ as your Personal Savior, renounce your affiliation with the Democratic Party, and declare war on anyone who would take ‘Christ’ out of Christmas.
The day comes when nearly a billion people disappear from the Earth, most from the United States South. ‘Left Behind’ are Atheists, Liberals, Democrats, Humanists, Feminists and Catholics (Catholics don’t believe in the rapture).
On that day, Benjamin makes a discovery: those who oppose healing the environment—are gone. Those who oppose doing away with murder as a deterrent to murder—are gone. In fact, those who have stood in opposition to progress every step of Earth’s evolution—are gone.
Meanwhile, in Heaven, things don’t go as expected. Despite the splendor, David and the others make a gruesome discovery. They’re forced vegetarians (because they can’t kill anything)— there are no more ideological enemies (because there are no Democrats there), and they don’t like each other because—well—they were unlikable people to begin with. But they’re stuck with each other—forever and ever—hallelujah—hallelujah!
I’m not exactly sure the Rapture is a bad thing. It may be the only thing that can save us.