Author’s note: it has become increasingly obvious that Climate Change is a real problem, and no matter what we say or do about it, Evangelicals refuse to accept it as real. No amount of science or data or proof—or even disaster—can sway their thinking as they deliberately seek to aggravate the world’s environmental problems.
So, in keeping with their penchant for fake news and conspiracy theories, I’ve taken their worst fear and woven it into a fake news narrative that I hope will change their thinking around planet earth’s greatest challenge to date.
Dateline! Gays are Undermining our Weather!
Climate Change is a lie from the Pit of Hell. It started out as a hoax from liberals who wanted to destroy the lives of coal-miners, but was then adopted by scientists around the world, once again science found a way to deny God’s existence and created another lie (like evolution and vegetarianism). Despite this deceit though, our observant “reporters” made a startling and unsettling discovery. There is one group of Americans (aside from we the righteous) NOT decrying the evils of global warming… That’s right, it’s the Gays! In a world where gays have denounced and defamed bakers, photographers, and even the odd pizzeria, we couldn’t help but notice they’re silent on climate change—almost as if they don’t care.
Sensing that something nefarious might be afoot, we joined forces with other patriots and American loyalists and began a long investigation into gay thinking about climate change. And what we found was shocking. They DO believe that climate change is real—but this is great news for gay recruitment. No longer do they have to have to make big budget Hollywood movies like Wonder Woman, Frozen, or Harry Potter. Instead, the climate itself will do their recruiting for them.
That’s right. They have figured out a way to use Earth’s climate to do their bidding. And it starts with a simple chemical compound known as pheromones. A pheromone, according to Wikipedia, is:
A secreted or excreted chemical factor that triggers a social response in members of the same species. Pheromones are chemicals capable of acting outside the body of the secreting individual to impact the behavior of the receiving individuals. There are alarm pheromones, food trail pheromones, sex pheromones, and many others that affect behavior or physiology.
This is where the conspiracy comes into focus. Pheromones are chemicals capable of acting outside of the body and affecting the behavior of others in their species—including SEX chemicals. And it’s here where the gays diabolical scheme will play out. While liberals complain about the heat, the gays like it hot.
As earths temperatures rise, humans become warmer outside of their air-conditioned homes and offices. Men and women start wearing fewer clothes. Adult males will be taking their shirts off and walking around in shorts, exposing more of their skin (and pheromones) to the air. Your children will be wearing less as well, creating the perfect interaction of gay and innocence.
The warmer temperatures make the men sweat. Now when straight men sweat, this is no problem. Straight pheromones make young boys more masculine and more aggressive against wimpy kids and girls who look like boys. When gay men sweat, however, it has a very different reaction. Boys that were on track to be proud manly men suddenly become inclusive and sensitive to women. And then the cycle builds upon itself. As the level of gay pheromones increases, innocent shirtless boys are fully exposed to these pheromones. As they become gay, they start to radiate gay pheromones, thus adding more gayness into the atmosphere—which could be catastrophic for us Evangelicals.
But what about the lesbians, you ask? Women wear sunscreen thus protecting themselves from the fiendish chemicals. A godly woman asks her husband to apply her sunscreen, while her godly daughters request help from their brothers. Godly women must wear sunscreen constantly to protect themselves from masculine pheromones. Godly women also wear more clothes. Those that done, end up cutting their hair short and joining a softball team.
The rising temperatures will also affect our crops, making it more difficult to grow food, which means we’ll be turning to other countries for help. This might include Muslim countries. That’s bad enough, but the gay’s plan goes deeper. They intend we get our food from the godless liberal countries of Europe where gay marriage is allowed and celebrated. In other words, gay people will be handling our food. They will be packing our tomatoes, lettuce, corn and other vegetables, smearing them with gay pheromones and shipping them to us in the United States—right under our noses.
These gay-soaked fruits and vegetables will arrive on our shores, at one of the many liberal coastal ports, where innocent dock workers will be packing and carrying boxes and transporting them inland to a grocery store near you. Before you even know what’s happened, that food is on your child’s plate.
While the rising seas will bury the godless liberal cities of the coasts under water, the gays have figured out a way to make that work for them too. Gay people will flee the sinking cities and come inland. They will demand we make pizzas for them, bake them cakes, and allow them to use our wedding chapels. They’ll indoctrinate our children with their dance music, brunches, and mimosas. Women will demand work as auto mechanics where they can smear their pheromones all over the steering wheel, the dashboard—your baby’s car seat—attacking your children in ways you can’t even see.
Nowhere will this problem be more in sync with the gay’s plan than in the new weather patterns. As the Gays move inland, the weather becomes a critical component of their recruitment plan. The inland states will experience increased thunderstorms. Great bursts of lightening will heat the air and excite the gay pheromones, causing them to scatter, thrusting them into your homes and into your child’s bedroom. The pheromones will seep through their pores and into their bloodstreams, making them open and accepting of all peoples.
And finally, the rain will fall. Gay infused rain. It will fall into the rivers and lakes, making its way into your showers and bathtubs where your children will bathe in it. It will flow into your children’s drinking water where they will ingest it directly. The gay will now be everywhere: your house, your school (which, for Evangelicals will be the same) and your church.
And this all started under Obama’s administration. This is why he lit the White House in rainbow colors, as a sign that the conspiracy had officially begun.
While we are committed to our narrative that Climate Change is a lie straight from the Pit of Hell, we have been charged by God and Reverend Graham to share with you the deeper plan that Obama and his gay army has for your children. If we wish to stop Obama from taking our children away from us, we MUST stop Climate Change—even though it’s a lie—or our children will soon be throwing away their confederate flags and listening to Ariana Grande.
We must not allow this to happen.